How to Talk to Elderly Parents About Assisted Living

Bring up assisted living well before your loved one needs it. It’s easier to discuss future care needs while they’re still independent and healthy than wait until they become ill or start experiencing cognitive decline. You may even ask how they’d like to approach the topic in the future.

“My biggest suggestion is to approach the conversation gently. This is a drastic change to a person’s life, so don’t discount their feelings,” says Dr. Erin Martinez, gerontologist, associate professor, and Interim Director of the Center on Aging at Kansas State University. “Be sure to listen to their thoughts, concerns, and emotions. It might even help to put yourself in their shoes — how would you like someone to have the conversation with you?”

“Having these conversations early is so helpful,” says Martinez. “Don’t wait until disaster strikes.”

It can take several discussions for your loved one to fully accept that assisted living is the best option. Martinez stresses that you may need to have multiple conversations but within a shorter timeframe.

“Although having several conversations is important, keep in mind that they don’t have to be weeks apart if there is a sense of urgency. Plan to talk about it again in two or three days, which will give everyone time to process the transition and gather more information,” Martinez says.

Is assisted living the right fit?

It’s important to find appropriate times to talk about the move to assisted living. Avoid raising the topic during stressful situations. Instead, wait until you can have your loved one’s undivided attention in a calm setting. While having another sibling or family member with you for the conversation can be helpful, avoid bringing the topic up in large groups or at family gatherings. You don’t want your loved one to feel like they’re being ganged up on.

Discussing a move to assisted living takes time and empathy. You likely won’t come to a decision immediately, so prioritize other aspects of the conversation rather than purely focusing on the end goals.

“A successful conversation is one where everyone’s thoughts, values, and opinions are actively respected,” Martinez explains. “This is a life-changing event with immense impacts on one’s sense of independence — and that doesn’t always feel good. Another way a conversation may be considered successful is if there is a plan in place to talk again. Keeping the conversation going is critical to the transition.”

Moving to an assisted living facility is a major change, so don’t rush the conversation. You may want to make your case right away for why assisted living is a good choice for your loved one, but don’t force the issue.

“This should absolutely not be a one-time conversation,” says Martinez. “Instead, talking about the transition several times can help ease your family member into it, rather than it seeming like it is being forced upon them.”

Martinez also advises family members to listen to how their parents feel and consider why they think assisted living is the best choice.

“Sometimes circumstances present no other option than seeking support from a long-term care facility, but talking about other options first can be beneficial,” says Martinez.
Martinez recommends checking in with your parent throughout the process. Whether you’ve had one conversation or are already considering potential communities, it’s important to know how they’re feeling and what they want.

Ask questions that will show your respect for the emotional nature of this transition. “How are you feeling about this?” Using affirming statements and acknowledging their feelings is critical. “‘This must be so hard, and we’re here to support you,’” Martinez suggests.

Conversation topics that are rooted in emotions, such as a move to assisted living, can go sideways quickly. It’s important to focus on your loved one’s needs and overall well-being. In larger family settings, it’s likely that people will have a lot of opinions on the situation. These discussions should focus on what’s best for your parent in a civil and respectful way.

“If the conversation begins to get out of hand and the individual is no longer the focus of the conversation, I would recommend that the conversation be completely redirected or stopped to be revisited in a couple of days,” Martinez advises. “Being sure everyone feels included in the decision-making process is the kind and respectful way of approaching this transition.”

Having a separate conversation with your siblings can also help ensure everyone is heard and avoid family disputes. Discussing assisted living with your parents will be smoother if all family members agree.

You may have several reasons for wanting your parent to move to assisted living. In many cases, it’s helpful to list them before bringing them up to your loved one.

If you have multiple concerns — such as how your parent manages their medications, maintains their home, and maintains their personal hygiene — choose one or two of your top worries to discuss in an initial conversation. This way, you won’t overwhelm them.

Highlight the positive aspects of assisted living rather than focusing on why you think the move is essential. Assisted living facilities can improve your loved one’s quality of life and may provide them with more independence than they have in their home.

“Be honest with your family member,” says Martinez. “[You might] say something like, ‘I understand that your independence is so valuable to you, and we’d like to see you keep that independence in a community where you can receive a little extra help.’”

You may even be able to excite your loved one about the benefits of assisted living. While it’s undoubtedly a difficult decision, they’ll have the opportunity to engage in social events, shared meals, and activities with others in a safe environment.

“The goal of assisted living is to create a sense of community while providing the necessary assistance that an individual needs in order to best maintain their independence,” Martinez explains. “Talking to your loved one about these opportunities for engagement is a great idea and may even excite them about the opportunities available to them in a more community-focused environment.”

Present your loved one with a few assisted living communities to choose from. Do some research and consider touring facilities on your own before your conversation so that you can thoroughly explain the different options. Doing so can alleviate some of their fears. However, don’t overload them with information, as this can also be overwhelming and make it more difficult to have a productive conversation.

Finally, while it’s fine to do your own homework on this decision, wait until your parent is open to the idea before touring an assisted living community together.

Assisted living questions? Get expert help

The conversation about moving to assisted living can backfire if you don’t approach it properly. Here are a few things to avoid when discussing assisted living with your loved one:

• Focusing on negatives: Avoid stressing what is wrong with their current situation. Instead, focus on how assisted living will improve their quality of life.
• Guilt tactics: Don’t make your parent feel like a burden. Even if you’re overwhelmed, avoid language like “I can’t handle this” or “You can’t take care of yourself.”
• Information overload: Bombarding your loved one with too many details about assisted living can overwhelm them. Share information gradually, allowing them plenty of time to process.
• Forcing the decision: Express your feelings and concerns without forcing assisted living on your loved one.

“Remember that this may not be your decision to make, and your loved one still has agency over their own life,” Martinez says.

Encouraging a loved one to move to an assisted living facility can take time, and the process should be handled delicately. If assisted living is the best fit, start by focusing on your parent’s needs, priorities, and budget. Present them with thoughtfully chosen communities that fit their needs and lifestyle to make the idea feel less overwhelming.

A Place for Mom’s Senior Living Advisors are here to help — connecting you with personalized assisted living facilities in your area at no cost. Scheduling a community tour is the next step toward easing your loved one’s concerns about assisted living and helping them feel more comfortable with the transition.