Your parents say they won’t move. It’s a common, exhausting scenario: You see signs that your aging parents need more help than you can provide, but they refuse it. Perhaps their health has taken a turn for the worse, or maybe your own health and relationships are suffering. When your parents finally accept help and move to a senior living community, you may feel guilty. By doing your research, focusing on the small victories, accepting some uncertainty, remaining patient, and visiting often, you can start to overcome the guilt you may feel after moving a parent to senior living.
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Even when you know relocating your parents to a senior living community is the right thing to do for their safety and health, you may experience feelings of guilt or even shame. Shame can develop from feelings of inadequacy when something appears to have gone wrong, while guilt might look like feelings of remorse for discomfort you’ve caused.
“Emotions range from feeling inadequate to feeling overly responsible,” says Dr. Stephen Quentzel, a psychiatrist in New York affiliated with Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital.
“We want our parents to remain decision-makers,” Quentzel says. “We’re upset when we have to take over their roles. We feel guilty about the role reversal.” Taking on the responsibility of finding a suitable living environment for your parent or other elder can be taxing, but please know that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable during this time.
“We assume the act of moving loved ones into assisted living declares loud and clear that we can’t handle taking care of them,” says Quentzel. “The paradox, of course, is that we want nothing more than to ease our parents’ pain and suffering, even to sacrifice our comfort temporarily to improve their overall lives.” Even so, it’s important to care for yourself and avoid caregiver burnout.
While you may have made these types of promises to your parents in the past, decisions must be made based on what’s best for the parent at the given time, says Barry Jacobs, a doctor of psychology and author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Parents. “Often, putting a parent [in senior living] is the most loving act that a child can do because it improves the quality of the parent’s life from medical and social perspectives. Parents often thrive, to their great surprise.”
Change is hard for everyone, and a move to assisted living or long-term care is a big change. Suddenly, you’re asking your parents to form acquaintances, trust professional caregivers, navigate unfamiliar schedules, and acclimate to new environments.
Having the conversation and ultimately moving elderly parents to assisted living (or another form of senior living) is probably one of the hardest decisions someone will ever have to make, says Stella Henry, a registered nurse and author of The Eldercare Handbook. However, family members can be instrumental in identifying problems and making changes to help their loved ones.
Stella Henry, registered nurse and authorMany seniors unrealistically believe they can take care of themselves for the rest of their lives.
Deciding it’s time to move a loved one to a senior care home — even if they’re willing to move — can be difficult and may create feelings of guilt. Seeing your loved ones struggle in their daily lives is tough on everyone involved.
Although difficult to deal with, feelings of guilt are normal, just like the desire to improve the quality of life for your loved one. Here are some tips to help you overcome these feelings of guilt while moving your older loved ones.
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When experiencing feelings of guilt, take time to think about why you’re making this decision. Ask yourself the following questions:
Remember, the bottom line is that you’re trying to do what’s best for your loved one.
Guilt can come from conflicting feelings about how to best care for your senior loved one. Your conflicting feelings are proof that you care about your loved one’s well-being.
Ensure that the guilt you’re feeling doesn’t shift to shame. While guilt is a normal process of making this decision for your parent, shame is not. Remember: You are adequate, valuable, and worthy. This decision is hard, but it does not have anything to do with your worth.
Although it may feel like you are taking away your loved one’s ability to make decisions for themselves or breaking previous promises to them, transitioning them to a senior living community can actually empower them. In senior living, they may be able to make more of their own decisions that best suit their wants and needs while being supported in a safe environment.
Leaning on support groups can help alleviate feelings of guilt during the process of moving a senior loved one to a senior living community. Talk to a family member, friend, or therapist to help sort out emotions and validate current feelings. Reaching out to empathetic and compassionate friends can also provide more perspectives and advice you might not have considered before.
Today, senior living is much more than old-fashioned ideas of nursing homes. Senior living communities nowadays are quite often vibrant environments that offer services, amenities, and activities to make seniors feel engaged and at home. With a thorough understanding of what different senior living communities offer, you and your loved one can feel more comfortable making a transition.
Researching what local senior living communities offer can help reassure you that making the move to a senior living community is the right option for you and your loved one. In addition, an in-person or virtual tour can give you a better feel for the setting and what to expect.
Earlier is better than later to discuss a move to assisted living — though many wait. Henry says 95% of her clients come to her in crises, which often results in caregiver guilt and added stress. If you have the discussion early and often, your loved one will be better prepared for the next steps.
As for what to say? “Make it your problem instead of your parents’ problem,” says Henry. “Clearly express your concern by saying, ‘Mom, I’m concerned about you; it makes me worried to see you like this.’”
The vast majority of parents don’t want to burden their children and will often respond to this sort of honest communication, says Henry. If you make it clear to your loved one that you’re focused on doing what’s best for both of you, it can be easier for them to accept change.
Whether the process goes smoothly or there are bumps along the way, adult children often have guilty feelings about moving their elderly parents to assisted living or long-term care. Here are four ways to cope.
Did your parent enjoy a meal or activity in their new home? Do you sleep better knowing they’re less likely to fall in their new surroundings? When guilt creeps in, remind yourself of the benefits of their new home, experts say.
Dr. Stephen Quentzel, psychiatristSmall victories include excellent palliative care, creating meaningful activities, even keeping our parents together for as long as possible.
Being put in the position to make critical arrangements for others is often hugely stressful. When the task concerns relocating your parents to an assisted living community or nursing home — a decision with enormous financial and lifestyle consequences — the anxiety and second-guessing can be even higher.
Remember why you made the choices you did, but know that some uncertainty will remain about how things might turn out. After the move, visit often and stay in touch often to see how things are going.
Find predictable things that both you and your parent can hold onto during this time of uncertainty. These things can include sticking to a routine, finding a specific time you will visit consistently, and ensuring that the things they enjoyed living at home are still accessible to them.
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As with any change, there will be an adjustment period — for children and their aging parents. It will likely take time for your parents’ relocation to senior living to bear fruit. In fact, many seniors take between six and 12 weeks to adjust to their new environment.
If you’re unsure, strike up a conversation with other families who visit seniors in your parent’s community. Ask them how they dealt with the change and how long it took their parent to adjust.
By visiting often, you can help your loved one can feel more like they’re welcoming a guest into their home rather than feeling like they are a guest at an extended stay facility. Continuing normal routines in a senior’s new home can help you and your senior loved one feel more comfortable with the new living arrangement. Visiting often also keeps you in the know about what’s going on with your loved one and helps your parent feel more connected.
Connecting with your loved one is one of the most profound things you can do throughout this transition. Your connection can heal and help feelings transform. Enjoy meaningful moments with your loved one, and restorative time doing what you like to do, during this transition period.
“Dealing with my mother’s dementia, which came on so quickly, challenged every fiber of who I am,” Marjorie W. of Washington recalls. “My mother was a very sharp woman who made me promise, after having dinner with a family member suffering from dementia, that I would never allow her to become like that. But I had no idea how to deal with this demand once dementia started.”
It wasn’t until she began caring for her mother full time that Marjorie realized she was in over her head. The lack of a medically prepared and knowledgeable support system put added stress on her mother’s health, as well as on her family’s health and her own. Now, years later, her father needs extra care. This time, Marjorie is better prepared to do what’s needed.
“One positive result occurred — after experiencing all of the feelings of guilt with my mother’s situation, I was clear that placing my father in an assisted living situation was the right thing to do. Because I had bound myself in guilt with my mother, the questions surrounding my father’s relocation were mostly answered.”
Marjorie’s father made a smooth transition to assisted living and then to a nursing home when the time was right. He had the ability to help choose his living situation and thrived in his new home.
Watching your parents grow old can be an exhausting and painful process. Although your parents might be apprehensive about leaving the homes they are familiar with, the move to senior living can be a positive experience for everyone involved. The move may even vastly improve the lives of both seniors and their loved ones.
The journey to senior living does not have to be exhausting or painful. Reach out to A Place for Mom to find support, guidance, and a listening ear to help you through this challenging time. Our Senior Living Advisors can provide the knowledge you need to make the best decision for you and your parents.
Wait until you’ve given your parent time to adjust to their new home before visiting. This could be a few days or a few weeks. If you visit too soon, you might keep them from building relationships with the staff. However, you can always call your parent to see how they’re feeling and visit sooner if needed.
You should visit your parent in their senior living community at least two to four times per month. This will vary depending on the community, everyone’s schedules, and how long you visit. For instance, if your parent’s schedule works best with shorter visits, you may want to visit more often.
Make the senior living move go as smoothly as possible by hiring movers and helping your parent downsize. Other tips for a smooth move include getting to know the layout of your parent’s new home, sharing their new address with friends and family, and using an assisted living moving checklist.
The information contained on this page is for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute medical, legal or financial advice or create a professional relationship between A Place for Mom and the reader. Always seek the advice of your health care provider, attorney or financial advisor with respect to any particular matter, and do not act or refrain from acting on the basis of anything you have read on this site. Links to third-party websites are only for the convenience of the reader; A Place for Mom does not endorse the contents of the third-party sites.
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