How to Deal With Irrational Elderly Parents Who Refuse Help: 10 Useful Tips and Strategies

Health complications aren’t always predictable, so planning early may not be an option for all families. However, if your parent shows minor signs of aging or weight loss, you may want to start the conversation about their future care needs early.

“Talk to them when they are still thriving and in control,” said Amy McLoughlin, a learning and development specialist at A Place for Mom with more than 17 years of experience in the senior living industry. She said that reaching out when your parent is still autonomous allows you to talk about hypotheticals without any stress. You can talk through what your parent wants in the event of a stroke, dementia diagnosis, or other medical conditions that may run in the family.

An early conversation also enables your parent to think about how their needs may affect your life in the future. While they’re healthy, they may be able to more easily see how their needs could end up burdening you in an unexpected situation.

Be sure to think about scenarios where a parent may not be able to make decisions. If they were to become incapacitated, who would they want in charge? If they select a trustworthy power of attorney (POA) in advance, they can avoid potentially difficult situations in the future.

Aging is a difficult process for virtually everyone. Many older adults are living with dementia or mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. Recognize where your parent is coming from, so you can choose the best approach when broaching the topic of them accepting help. While you’re likely focused on safety, your parent’s top priority is likely maintaining their autonomy.

“Realizing that your parent’s autonomy is important to them can be beneficial as well,” said social worker Suzanne Modigliani, a Massachusetts-based life care specialist who works with families to solve elder care problems.

Identifying the root causes of your parent’s behavior can help you choose the best way to make positive changes.

Read more:Common Dementia Behaviors: Expert Tips for Understanding and Coping

Don’t expect to make big changes overnight. Even if you think your parent needs help, acknowledge what they can still do as a way of showing them that you value their independence. For example, if your parent needs some help with cleaning but still enjoys cooking, don’t suggest hiring someone who will help with both.

Also, keep in mind that although you have your parent’s best interests at heart, they’re in control of their own life and care options. Accepting this fact, as hard as it is, can help lower your stress and even improve your relationship with your aging parent.

Start with the most important issues

Decide what issues are the most important and focus on those — at least initially. Matters involving your parent’s safety at home, for instance, should take top priority. Your parent will be much more likely to take your concerns seriously if you don’t bombard them with several at once, even if the concerns are valid.

Until your other concerns are addressed, it might help your case to stop insisting that your parent complete nonessential tasks. While beneficial, things like updating their phone and joining a fitness class can be put on hold.

Let our care assessment guide you

When you ask someone to make changes to their lifestyle, it’s a big deal, so you shouldn’t expect to reach a conclusion after one conversation. Whether you talk about a move to assisted living or suggest a small adjustment to their diet, it may still put your parent on edge. They’ll need time to process the points you bring up.

Whenever you bring up any topic relating to your parent’s care, plan to do so when things are going smoothly and neither you nor your parent is overly stressed. Talking about significant life changes when one or both of you is upset will only make the discussion more difficult.

“Communicate without emotion and try to catch them on a good day,” McLoughlin suggested.

If they’re generally doing well, you can approach the conversation with some simple questions like:

• What could be better in your life?
• What’s the most important thing for you as you age?
• What or who can help improve the quality of your life?

Even if you believe your parent is behaving irrationally, it doesn’t mean you can or should talk down to them — and try not to give your parent orders. Treat them like the adult they are, and remember that no one responds well to nagging.

“Avoid infantilizing your parent,” said Dr. Robert Kane, former director of the Center on Aging and author of The Good Caregiver. “Dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. Older people should be autonomous.”

Try asking good questions

Instead of telling your parent what to do, try asking open-ended questions, such as “How do you feel about keeping up with home maintenance?” This will help your parent open up instead of leading them to feel defensive about their current lifestyle.

“You have to realize they’re an adult, and they’re allowed to make their own decisions — even if you think it’s the wrong one,” said McLoughlin.

She explained that if you feel like you’ve done everything in your power to get your loved one to accept help, and they still refuse, then you have to give yourself permission to let go. It’s important to remember that you tried, and their refusal to accept help is not a reflection of you, McLoughlin said.

Sometimes, all you can do is offer your advice and then let your parent choose.

Professional family mediator Roseann Vanella of Marlton, New Jersey, used this strategy while assisting her elderly parents who refused help. Her father has dementia, and her mother has a rare blood disorder. Still, her mother insisted on taking her husband to Sicily on vacation.

“I can’t stop you, so at least get medical jet insurance,” Vanella advised. Her mother said she would.

Soon after arriving in Italy, her mother’s disease flared up. She needed a blood transfusion — at home. Vanella’s mother admitted she never purchased the insurance, so Vanella and her brother were on the next plane to Italy.

“The hardest part is knowing something could have been averted but wasn’t,” she said. “My advice is not to hit your head against the wall too hard. There isn’t a lot we can do sometimes but stand by, watch closely, and be able to jump in when needed.”

Create a backup plan

McLoughlin suggested having a backup plan in place for parents who continue to refuse help. For instance, if you’ve seen balance problems in your elderly mother who won’t do anything about it, you may be fearful of her falling and suffering from an injury that results in a serious surgery.

Hospital visits after falls in seniors are often followed up with a stay in a skilled nursing or assisted living facility. You can plan ahead and make it easier on your family by looking into potential places to move your senior parent into in the event of such a fall.

Doing this ahead of time will help you be more present in the moment, so you can enjoy your time with your loved one instead of arguing. It’ll also prevent you from rushing the process and moving them into a place where they may not be happy.

Talk with a Senior Living Advisor

If you’re the person who has the most conversations with your parent about their care and safety concerns, it might be time to bring in some outside assistance. See if you can attend a doctor’s appointment with your parent, or speak to their neighbors, pastor, or anyone else who your parent sees frequently. If you’re concerned about your parent’s cognitive abilities, getting another perspective can be even more important.

Share your concerns with the people your parent respects. This will hopefully help your parent realize that others share the same concerns about their health and safety as you do. It may also give your parent a larger group of people to lean on should they ever need help. Plus, removing any underlying issues from your family dynamic can help them form a clearer view of their own abilities and needs.

Read more:How to Speak to Your Parent's Doctors: Tips for Successful Communication With Your Parent and Their Care Team

Another approach to assisting an elderly parent who refuses help is to be direct about how it affects you. Communicate your worries or guilt to your parent, and explain how your anxieties will be tempered if they follow your advice.

In many cases, your parent may be more willing to change their behavior for a loved one if they see it is harmful. For example, you may convince your parent to quit smoking by pointing out the risks of smoking around their grandchildren. They may also be more willing to accept caregiving help if they understand how worried you are about their well-being.

Remember that you’re not alone

A whopping 77% of adults believe their parents are stubborn when it comes to accepting help with daily tasks, according to a study by researchers at Penn State University.^[01]

“I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my husband and I have suggested options to improve my parents’ quality of life, and they’ve turned us down,” said Mary Heitger-Marek, a program analyst from Annapolis, Maryland. “I feel like we could open a senior care business because of all the programs, aid, and other things we’ve looked into for them.”

Unfortunately, Heitger-Marek’s feelings are common among adult children who take on caregiving duties for their aging parents. Consider connecting with others in situations similar to yours, or take time to de-stress.

Find ways to manage your stress

If you’re upset that your elderly parent refuses to move to a safer living situation or take their medication as directed, it’s important to vent — but not to your parent. Instead, confide in or strategize with a friend, sibling, therapist, or members of an online support group. Finding ways to manage stress is especially important if you’re the primary caregiver to your aging parent.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed with frustration, fear, and anxiety when constantly assisting an elderly parent who refuses help, no matter how deeply you care about them. Guard against this by caring for yourself and finding activities or hobbies that help you release negative emotions.

Involving your aging loved one in long-term care planning conversations may help motivate them to receive needed care. Many seniors may be aware they need help but are unsure of how to ask for it on their own. If you show your concern in a loving, sensitive way, this can be a great way to strengthen bonds with your aging parent.

However, talking to your loved one about senior living can also feel intimidating. Our five-step guide makes it easier. This downloadable resource can help you start an empathetic dialogue, ask important questions, and identify next steps.

Download the conversation guide >

Think about costs and how to pay for senior care

If cost is a concern, you might talk through long-term care payment methods together with your loved one. Senior care facilities are often more affordable than families initially think, because aging at home comes with expenses you wouldn’t necessarily expect. To compare your parent’s current living expenses against senior living options near them, you can use A Place for Mom’s senior living cost calculator.

Listen to your parent’s needs. Although you have their best interests at heart, remind yourself that, in the end, they have autonomy over their decisions. Have open conversations, and establish a middle ground where everyone is comfortable. Try to do all of this while ensuring the elderly adult at the center of the conversation understands that you’re coming from a place of love and care.

You can also consult one of A Place for Mom’s Senior Living Advisors. At no cost to your family, these experts in senior living can offer local advice and care options, from home care to assisted living or memory care.

Having a small group of communities or home care agencies to reference provides a good starting point for your conversation with your parent and helps avoid overwhelming them with options. You can talk about the pros and cons of different care options, and you can give your parent the opportunity to tell you what’s most important to them for their future care needs.