5 Steps to Take When You Can No Longer Take Care of an Elderly Parent

It’s normal to feel guilty when you decide to stop being a caregiver for a loved one, but there are other ways to view this change.

“Other people don’t always like or understand our decisions,” said Steven Zarit, a professor in the Human Development and Family Studies Department at Pennsylvania State University and a caregiver support group leader. “We all have limits on what we are able to do, and if we have done the best we can and can’t go on, we shouldn’t feel guilty.”

Reframing how you think about your own decision can help you avoid feeling unnecessary guilt.

“Rather than an either-or decision, I encourage adult children to think of it as, ‘I’ve been providing care in one way, and now I need to provide it in another way.’ It doesn’t mean you have to stop,” said Sara Honn Qualls, Director of the Gerontology Center at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

Maybe your loved one requires additional care that you’re not trained to provide. If so, transitioning to memory care, assisted living, or having a home health care aide attend to your loved one may be the most caring thing you can do.

Your decision to stop taking care of elderly parents will probably bring change for your other family members, too. They may resent your decision and worry that they’ll now have to put more time and effort into caregiving.

Undoubtedly, there will be complex family dynamics. Past issues between siblings may resurface. And any kind of change is usually difficult for everyone at first.

When she held family meetings, Qualls found it effective to ask, “What is most important to you about your mother’s life from today until the day she dies?” This question can help people focus on the parent rather than siblings’ perceived shortcomings or family history. Family meetings about elder care can be an opportunity to brainstorm and collaborate.

If you think this decision may come as a surprise to your siblings or other family members, consider ways to let them process the information before you discuss next steps. You might say something like, “I’d like to set aside some time next week to discuss Mom’s care. I think we may need to discuss what our other options are.”

This lets your siblings have some time to gather their thoughts before you begin a lengthy discussion.

Let our care assessment guide you

When you explain that something needs to change, it’s helpful to use inclusive language. Make it clear to siblings that you’re not telling them what to do or forcing them into something they don’t want to do. The following phrases can help:

• “Here are my thoughts.”
• “I could use your help figuring out the next steps.”
• “We’re in this together.”
• “Do you have any other ideas?”

Sometimes the discussion can get heated. But rather than argue, tell family members you’ve done the best you can, and really believe it. If there’s negative feedback, stay calm.

You might say, “Maybe I could’ve done things differently, but I’ve truly reached the end of the line and need some help.” If they seem willing, tell them they’re welcome to take over caregiving responsibilities.

For some families, it makes sense to find a neutral, third party with clinical training to manage or attend the meeting. Your local Area Agency on Aging may be able to recommend a geriatric care manager, an elder mediator, or a family therapist to help facilitate your discussion.

Do you think others are judging you for not being a good enough child or sibling, or for abandoning the original caregiving plan? Do you believe that yourself? Do you feel someone else could have done better? Are others constantly criticizing your caregiving decisions? If so, try to have self-compassion and be kind to yourself. Feeling exhausted, lonely, inadequate, or resentful is often what happens when caregivers set boundaries too late or change the rules.

Remember that others have been in your situation before, and there are ways to connect with them. Consider joining an in-person or online caregiver support group.

It may help you feel better to realize that these feelings are more than just emotions. Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted is a clear sign that your current arrangement shouldn’t be a permanent one. If you feel bad about stepping away as a caregiver, remind yourself that it isn’t what’s best for you or your parent. There may be another option that would leave both of you feeling happier and less stressed.

Talk with a Senior Living Advisor

Consider offering a few practical options for what to do next when informing family members that you can no longer care for your aging parent. Maybe your parent needs a part-time in-home caregiver or round-the-clock care in an assisted living facility, or maybe you simply need more support from your siblings throughout the week. Try to have a few realistic options ready to discuss.

If you’re unsure about how much care your loved one needs, you may be able to set up an appointment for you and your parent to visit their doctor. This allows you to get a neutral, professional perspective on whether your loved one would be well-suited for an assisted living community or another option. This can help alleviate some of the negative emotions you or your siblings may feel by keeping the focus on your aging parent.

It’s also helpful to know that if you want to consider an assisted living community, many offer short-term trial stays or respite care. This lets your parent see what life is like in the community for a few weeks before committing to a move.

If finding senior living options is overwhelming for you, tell your family. They may be able to help, and some might even appreciate having a concrete task. Keep an open mind, as your family members may have their own suggestions.

Once you’ve discussed your desire for a caregiving change, you may decide as a family that your aging loved one needs more help than you or your siblings can provide.

A Place for Mom can help you learn more about caregiving alternatives, such as assisted living, care homes, and memory care.

Connect with a Senior Living Advisor to get started. Our Senior Living Advisors can help assess your family’s specific situation, send you information about different senior living options, and connect you with communities in your area — all at no cost to you. Senior Living Advisors can also help facilitate family conversations and offer the same unbiased advice to everyone in the family.

Feel supported and prepared to discuss senior living

All our advice, all in one place. Reference our detailed resource for help starting a productive dialogue, getting your family on the same page, and considering next steps. Download the conversation guide.